Robin Chantaj sent this to me, very funny as I think we have all of these guys in our league but will only call out a few of them including myself.  Open for discussion in each of your rooms.  Enjoy!

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with

it right from the opening faceoff. Either way, without a ringer, your

team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to

suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways,

including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates.

Most effective, however, is free hockey. It’s simple math, really.

Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the

Division-7 title.

 

The Young Guy        Tim Randa

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young

guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But

it’s time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.

The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an

increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. Ten to 20

pounds later, he’s just another player, huffing and puffing with the

rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

 

The Old Guy             Gary Julius, Tim Rundle and Bruce Freeman

Forget the 50-and-over league; that’s not for him, even though his

gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be

fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he’s a wily

old guy — a hook here and a chop there, because that’s how they did it

when professional athletes were real men. ‘ Eddie Shore — now there was

a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a

shift.’

 

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the

beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in adulthood. On

the other, learn to take a pass, man. It’s right on your stick. How does

that knock you over? And now you’re offside.

 

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. The complete psycho is

capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a

tomahawk chop — all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho.

He doesn’t want to be fed. He wants to hunt.

 

The Naked Guy                Ronnie Chantaj

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch

their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear.

Not the naked guy. He’ll carry on full conversations, too, and you’ll

maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

 

The Guy with the New Girlfriend       Used to be Chalovich

A good way to lower everyone else’s fees is to load up on a few of

these.

The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games, tops, so

it’s not like you’ll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That

said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn

into the guy with the wife, at which point he’ll never miss another

game.

 

The Fat Guy

The guy that has no lace in the front of his pants but miraculously his

pants stay up because it took 2 guys to get them over his ass, he offers

$20 to anyone that will tie or untie his skates, he gets winded when

forced to tie his own skates, his helmet sits on the very top of his

head (watch Gene Makowsky if you don’t know what I mean) and his

equipment smells like a small animal crawled in his bag took a sh!t and

then died.

 

The Organizer                 Mike Rukavina

This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to

do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play.  Is

frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a

pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he’s a really nice guy.  Is often

heard in the dressing room saying ‘Sorry guys, that one was my fault’

and if he’s lucky somebody will chip in something like ‘No worries

Donny, it’s a team effort.’ What everybody is really thinking is ‘Hey

Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right,

that was your fault.’  If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart

enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

 

 The Minor Hockey Allstar

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills

but after you get zero passes you’ll get the picture.  This guy topped

out at ‘AA’ Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet.

Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into

the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I’ve been open

for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the

bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out

pass for the other team.  Cut this guy.

 

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they

have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They

were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete

of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the

same year.

Guaranteed they have a membership at the ‘Running Room’.  Play is

characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass

the more talented yet fatter player.

 

The Stanley Cup Champion

This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score.  If this

is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching

him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot

bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of

the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your

team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck

from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front

of the other team.

 

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight

and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice.  In extreme

cases he will ‘cheap shot’ another player. The fact that your beer

league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of

courage.  What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent

someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.

There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with

him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

 

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with ‘The Complete Psycho’.  This guy shows up,

doesn’t say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid

that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on

Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 PIMS in the

East Coast 3 years ago.

 

The Gary Roberts

Can be described as being way too intense.  This guy is one of your

better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play.  At

the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the

worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of

house-leaguers.  He believes the game should be played a certain way and

despises ‘pond hockey’ style play with no

back checking or positional assignments.   Most likely is suffering from

a complex of ‘unfinished business’ from his previous hockey career and is

looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship.

This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A

league.

 

CORPORATE GUY

At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a cush

corporate job and fancy car.  Once he enters the locker room its Party

time & latest tales of bangin’ broads and the good times.  PreGame beer

and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to

the point everyone is crying with laughter.  This guy is Reg Dunlop

(Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the

score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench.  Has above

average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his

teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at

the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk!